My precious 4 yr old :-)

I was sitting here holding Jonathan tonight. The 12th was his 4th birthday. Where has the time gone? I told him, 'Jonathan, 4 years ago at this VERY moment, I was holding you, looking into your eyes, amazed by you, overwhelmed by you, loving you so much my heart hurt. And here you are, 4 years later, still amazing me, overwhelming me at times, and I'm still loving you so much it hurts. :-)' He just nodded his head, smiled and drifted off to sleep.

He had a wonderful birthday, lots of gifts, cake and ice cream, family all around. I still look at him sleeping and see the little 6lb babe I nursed to sleep 4 years ago. The very same who would kick plates off my tummy in the months before his birth. The very child I almost died to have.

I told my mom today, 'well, I had my cry last night, the one I do the day before both my kids birthdays.' and she poo pooed it. She said, 'why do you cry? why put yourself through that every year? when they are 30 are you going to cry?' I said, simply, 'yes'. The night before their birthdays is my time to reflect on the year just past and the many ones before it. Of what it took to get my children here on this earth. Of course I cry before Jenna's because I am thinking of her twin who died before he was born. I would never dream of not thinking of him then, of honoring his existance, how ever short it was. I cry the night before Jonathan's birthday because I am still overwhelmed by the emotion of his birth. (STILL, after FOUR years!) I sit and think sometimes why I was spared that day, why I DIDN'T die. (obviously to be here to care for my family). I still get teary eyed when I think about all that happened the morning of his birth, and often wonder why? What a mess it was Every thing that could go wrong, did, and then some. It was a true disaster. One that I am sure even the Dr's and nurses haven't forgotten. I am willing to bet if I walked in there today and said, remember me? I'm the one who checked out on you while having a c section and they'd all go OH MY STARS YES, we remember you! (keep in mind this is a small hospital, about 100 births a year if that....) I won't. Walking those halls when I don't need to would haunt me too bad.

At any rate, my little boy is growing up. He no longer needs me to hold him while he sleeps, no longer needs me to provide his nourishment, no longer needs to hold my hand while he checks out his surroundings. He goes to school by himself on a bus, he can dress himself, feed himself.......and yet he sometimes reaches back for my hand, sometimes takes a hold, maybe needs a little reassurance.....just knowing I am there...