Saturday, January 27, 2001

I really blew it. :-( I feel awful too. I just got done crying over it (it didn't help any) so I thought maybe writing about it could help.

Today Jenna was supposed to go to a winter fun festival with her TSS (Therapeutic Support Staff) Jonathan and I were invited as well. Well, Jenna had an attitude today. Not one bad enough to warrant not going (at least in MY opinion) but bad enough to tell her TSS when she came by. She assumed it was pretty bad and said well, I guess I'll go then, Jenna can't go. :-( I wanted to bawl! Basically what is making me mad is that my parenting is being undermined again. I am to share how her behavior was in between home visits and I'm also in charge of her discipline (or so I thought). I had already disciplined her behavior today, and although I considered taking this away from her, I didn't. I took away visits with friends and computer time. Anyway, her TSS told her she wasn't going, I got upset and said I felt that was too harsh (not in front of Jenna) and she said, well, I can't give it back now, she would't learn anything from it. Jenna has a problem with manipulation and in a way, she was right, we couldn't give it back, but at the same time, taking it away wasn't what I had planned. Jenna was in tears, I am still in tears, Jonathan is blissfully oblivious to it all, and I know her TSS feels mixed emotions. 1. that I was manipulating HER, 2. that she jumped to conclusions too much and acted too quickly 3. that I was lying and wanted to just get jenna into trouble (that isn't true at all, her behavior sucked today :-(). I don't know. I am taking all the blame. the blame for Jenna's behavior, the blame for the TSS's decision, the blame for even telling her of Jenna's behavior....I just feel like I really suck as a mom right now :-(

I sometimes act just as impulsively as my daughter, and I hate that.
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