Friday, January 12, 2001

I think I actually have time to write tonight. What a rare moment this is :-)

I want to share every thought, every dream, every idea my mind has ever conceived. That could take years to put it all into writing. My mind overflows with ideas/thoughts/dreams. I think it's diarrhea of the mind.

For instance, do any of you just sit and watch the jets in the sky, then wonder who's on them and where they are going????? Drives me NUTS. I'll stand outside on a cloudless day and count hundreds of jets....and just wonder, what are you all doing on a jet at 10:30 on a Monday morning?!? Do you NOT work for a living?????? LMAO Oh, and just for the record, I don't live near a large airport or anything, but there is often a great deal of air traffic in these parts!

Of course I sit and often ask myself....Who am I and why am I here?????? Now don't deny it, I know you do it too. LOL I sometimes just wonder what is in store for me, my life and why is it on this particular path? I had many hopes and dreams for my future, and at 30, I've only made a couple of them come true. I married the man I thought I'd marry, and I had his children. End of story. So much for dreams and future plans! LOL What I WANTED to do, that's a different story. When I was 15 or so, I saw myself using my body to get places in life. (and it wasn't in a good way). I had such HIGH hopes for myself. :-/ At that particular point in my life I had it figured out. God forbid anyone stand in my way. Thankfully I woke up. At 18 I had big dreams. I wanted to go to college and become a child psychiatrist. I wanted to help children who were going through what I lived through. I saw myself in some fancy high rise apartment in NYC, lots of money at my disposal and a career to call my own. Six months into my college education I got married. Not because I was pregnant or anything, because I wanted to. Not the smartest thing I've ever done. But I was happy. Next month we'll be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary :) Obviously something was right. *giggle* If I had the chance to do it again, I certainly would have married him, I just would have waited until I had completed college. I still hope to finish my degree someday. It's one of my long term goals. I am not that over paid child psychiatrist, nor do I live in the high rise apartment in NYC. I have one claim to fame, I am a mom. Nothing fancy, just Mom. I kiss boo boos, I wipe tears, I give pint sized hugs. I fret constantly. I stay awake listening to labored breathing when someone is sick and I worry about spelling tests. My life is no longer my own, my body not mine. I have scars and stretch marks where I used to have flawless skin, I have body parts that are no longer perky, I have a heart that is no longer empty. I am thankful that I can experience being a Mom. When I think of the route I took, in my life, I think of it as not a failure, but as a detour. I decided to be a Mom first then when it's just me again, follow those other dreams that are pushed aside. They are still there, waiting to be lived.
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