Saturday, January 20, 2001

not sleeping again. sitting here thinking about what I gave up years ago, to be sitting right here today. *SIGH* I was raised in this little town I am sitting in right now. I grew up in a cute little house on the hill. I didn't have the easiest of childhood's, but I survived it (thanks to a lot of therapy LOL). I remember that all I ever wanted to do was get out of this awful town. I hated it here. Kinda ironic it's where I am raising my family.

I always did what was expected of me. My father was a man with a heavy hand and if I didn't do what was expected I paid dearly for it. So I learned, do what you're told. Dad was (and is) quite misunderstood. He had a difficult life, and taught only what he knew. I made a promise to myself early on not to walk the path that was prepared for me.

I went away to college. That was my big ticket out of this one horse town. I loved college. I took advantage of the fact that I was 3 hours away from home and finally free of my dad's grip. I went NUTS. I loved every minute of it. I had friends, I partied, I enjoyed life. Through out this time I was corresponding with a guy in Germany. He was in the Army and we were pen pals for a year. At the beginning of my second semester we met in person, for the first time. OMG, it was incredible. We had slowly fallen in love in our letters and meeting just made it more clear to us. We were meant to get married. Two weeks later we eloped. I didn't tell anyone except for my friends at the college. I was so blissfully happy. Life was finally good. We made plans to live in TN, as he was going to be stationed at Ft. Campbell, Ky. I withdrew from my classes and moved to KY. Fast forward to now. We are still together, it has been 12 years since we met, and on February 16th we'll celebrate our 12th anniversary. And I am back in this god forsaken town. I think I have gone full circle. Almost.

We've moved 10 times, still aren't settled, had children, experienced road blocks, detours, losses and made many mistakes. We are still learning from those mistakes.

I have forgiven my dad for the pain he has caused me over the years. He and I made our peace about 4 years ago. We both had life threatening experiences and we both woke up after that. It's sad that it took both of us to almost die to realize we do love each other. I think, deep down, I stay here because he needs me. Once Dad dies I will probably move on. He will be 70 in March and his health is failing. Who knows how much time he has left? I want to spend as much time with him as I can. It can't make up for all the wrongs in the past, but it can change our future. I couldn't imagine him going to his grave thinking I didn't love him. I'm glad I had a second chance to let him know that.

I guess my thought for tonight would have to be this, and it's as old as the hills and rather trite, but it's how I am feeling tonight.

Never go to bed mad at your partner, stay up all night fighting if you have to, but don't go to sleep being angry. Never part without saying I love you, or sharing a hug or a kiss. Never hold a grudge long after you've forgotten what that grudge was for. Members of my family were angry at one another for years, and when asked what they were angry about, they said we don't have a clue, we've just always fought. What a waste.

Do something special for someone, I have had the most incredible joy from just giving something I have excess of, to someone who doesn't. Even if you are dirt poor, there's something you aren't using that can be passed on to brighten someone's day.

Ok, I think I'm done now. Just think about it.

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