Thursday, February 22, 2001

some days I just wonder if I am like a dog chasing my tail, going round and round in circles and getting no where. I felt like that today.

I didn't leave the house at all today. I worked on the computer, played on the computer, put jonathan on the bus and slept. Oh, and I watched the Grammys. (won't go there tonight).

This isn't a normal day. Of course I could blame it on my cold. One side of my nose is stuffed up, the other side throat hurts, my ears are thumping deep inside and I feel like crap. Not a good feeling over all.

I have been thinking about Jonathan (my 4 yr old) a lot tonight. Jonathan's pre school teacher resigned last week and Jonathan is taking it rather hard. You wouldn't expect a 4 yr old to get this emotional over something. He only saw her 2x a week, for just a few hours a day, but he adores her and it just ripped his heart out when he found out she was no longer his teacher :-(

We all found out last Friday. He spent most of the day ramming his head into my stomach, banging his head on the desk, stomping his feet on the floor, banging is fists into things and screaming over little things (major tantrums) when I asked what was wrong he said he was MAD at me. Mad because Bambi (his teacher) left, Mad at me because she left, mad because Daddy had work (mad at me because of that), mad because Jenna's TSS was coming, mad mad mad. I saw his anger in his head banging, head butting, hitting, stomping, etc. I tried to comfort him, but he'd just hit me. He needed time alone to sort this all out, but didn't want to be alone. He needed me to hold him, but didn't want held. It made for a rough weekend. Then he found out that Dale Earndhart died and he was pissed. A four year old can have a whole lot of anger come out when things don't go as planned. He was mad at the world that one of his favorite race car drivers was killed. Now of course, I don't know that he totally understands the concept of death (he's witnessed our fish get flushed, that's about it) but he sure knew it wasn't good. Since Monday he's been talking about the crash and how the car drove into the wall like this (and crashes something in to anything, for example, taking a match box car and crashing it into the keyboard) then gets all pissed off looking and stomps around.

I worry about him, even though he is 4. I am telling myself this is normal anger management for a 4 yr old, then I remember Jenna's behavior at that age It was a little different than Jonathan's, but had also given me the feeling of it being 'different'. It's an unsettling feeling.

So here I sit, feeling at loose ends and not sure how to get them straightened out.
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