Saturday, March 10, 2001

Saturday, March 10, 2001

I'ts 1:30 in the morning and here I sit. What else is new? Of course thoughts of mine are about love/lust/ what I have/ what I want and what I don't want. I know why I am thinking about all this right now. I am craving something that I do not have. I am missing romance in my life, so of course I think about those times in my life that I 'had' romance and I want it back! Dammit.

I feel like I am being selfish, that I should be damn lucky I have a husband who is a fantastic provider, who isn't abusive, who treats us all well......and I am. I am so lucky to have a man like him.

Yet, something is missing, and has been for years. When did our relationship become one of convenience rather than love? Was there ever love? And if there isn't, wasn't, should I look for my soulmate now? Should I wait and see if my soulmate comes to me? All of my life I pushed my way into relationships (a control issue I suppose). I would end up pushing away those I loved rather than letting them come to me. I ended up alone more than once.

I see myself pushing again, testing the waters, wondering where I stand and with whom. Do I be assertive and push to the limit or do I sit and wait?

How do I know I am not married to my soul mate and we're just having a rough patch right now?

I'd also like to know if he is oblivious to a problem or if he feels it too.

why do I do this to myself?

Some days I feel myself wanting to give up fighting.
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