Sunday, February 15, 2009

I think I'm going to make it....thoughts post op

Seriously. I may actually be able to survive. My surgery was blissfully uneventful. I had everyone involved a complete and total nervous wreck. I basically died when I had Jonathan and the doctors brought me back with CPR. I knew why I almost died. I have a very difficult time being intubated. So, we planned to do a fiber optic intubation right off the bat. I wasn't happy about the lidocaine in the nebulizer, I wasn't happy about the goo I had to hold in the back of my throat and allow it to drip down into my throat. I wasn't happy about the gagging that ensued. I was, however, relieved to know they brought in SEVERAL "alternative breathing apparatuses" into the OR "just in case". They weren't about to let me die from not being able to intubate me. That took all of my anxiety away. I was prepared to die. That sounds crazy, probably, but I was so wound up and nervous about the possibility of dying from not being able to be intubated, that I wrote letters to my family members, made sure my last wishes and desires were noted, made sure my dh knew where the insurance paperwork was and so forth. I was ready for anything. I am damn thankful it wasn't time for me to go to Heaven. As much as I miss my mother and other family and friends, I'm not ready to spend eternity with them just yet. My family needs me here. :-)

My surgery went wonderfully well. I didn't need a full incision. Everything was done in 3 little incisions and one medium sized one. I'm stapled shut.

Now, as for recovery? I'm irritable, moody, sad, anxious to get back up and moving, I tire easiliy and I'm bored. I feel as though I am a huge burden to my family. And I get really bitchy really fast. To think, I even have my ovaries. Could you imagine if they were removed as well? LOL!!!!! I think my husband shudders at the thought.

I just want to feel better. I balked at the perscription for 60 pain pills. That seemed like WAY too many. I'm realizing it's not. IN fact, it's quite reasonable. I may end up using them all and looking for more. My insides HURT. My head HURTS, my body just aches and I'm soooo tired. Yet, often times, I find I can't sleep. I wake up at odd hours (hospital hours, I suppose) and then I sleep at even odder hours. I'm just a mess.

Now, ask me, would I do it again if I knew this is how I'd feel? Oh my stars, yes. I couldn't imagine NOT doing it. It was and will be the best thing I've ever done.

I sat here, today, and said, you know, I thought I'd feel differently. A very important part of my body is gone forever. Much like I "felt" pregnant even early in my pregnancies, I thought I would feel "empty" without my uterus. But, so far, anyway, I don't. If it weren't for the discomfort and the incisions, I'd never know anything was really done. It will be weird not anticipating a period. I wonder if I will anticipate it from time to time then have one of those "oh duh" moments. I suppose time will tell.

I feel as if I've come full circle. My son was born 12 years ago on February 12th. It was during that c-section that I almost died. Now, 12 years later, I'm saying goodbye to the very organ that kept him alive for almost 10 months inside me.

I had to smile when the doctor apologized for having me on the maternity floor. He said all of his patients go there. He said he did request a private room for me, so I didn't have to see/hear babies. I laughed and said that didn't bother me at all. Most of his patients aren't as emotionally ok with this surgery as I was. I was more than ok for it. I would have begged if he had said no. I'm thankful it is done.
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