Tuesday, September 30, 2008

More thoughts to keep me awake......

I can't get settled in to sleep tonight. I just feel WIDE AWAKE. Ugh. I've felt this way for close to a week, no, two weeks now. I hate it!!! At any rate, one of the things that is keeping me up at night is thinking of my mom's house and how I want things that I know my brother has either sold or thrown out and I missed it because I was too afraid to speak up and say HEY I want that! I have mega memories with that! The thing you think is junk! I sit and think of the stupidest things that I want and I think, Maggie, that's just INSANE. Why do you want those things? You have no room for them, even if you move, you still won't have room for them and all they will do is be a constant reminder of the fact that your parents are dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD. It ain't gonna bring them back. And do you really want the old, tattered end tables, the cocktail table, the fancy smanchy stuff that was once fancy smanchy and is now basically not worthy of Good Will? Oh yes yes I do, actually. And I'm having a very very very difficult time telling myself I really don't want that stuff. Really difficult time. I want the stupidest things...and I bet he's already gotten rid of them because they really are stupid and not worthy of saving for me.

Is it rational that I'm scared to go back up to H'dale? I'm afraid to see what might not be there? What might be left? I'm scared to walk into the house I grew up in and see *NOTHING*. What will that mean? It will mean that all of my childhood memories are only in my head now. They can't be felt by walking into a room, can't be seen from the window...they are gone nothing tangible any more. Just gone. And I want them back, dammit.
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